Substitute
by MarineWife
Summary: Maybe they are just substitutes, but it's enough. At least for tonight. Femslash
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

**A/N: I can't seem to get this pairing out of my mind! I've been wanting to get a story down about them, but I've been working on some other stuff. So here's a little snippit.**

She runs her hand through blonde hair as she stares into blue eyes. It's not the same blonde hair. This is more of a dirty blonde, not near as shiny, but just as soft. They're not the same blue eyes. These are darker, not as sharp, but they're just as warm.

"Am I a substitute?" Kathy asks as they study each other.

Olivia raises a questioning eyebrow. "Am I?"

She knows she's not her partner. There are too many differences, gender being the main one of course. Her eyes are a dark brown where his are blue. And of course her hair is longer, fuller.

But being a substitute isn't always about likeness. Sometimes it's just about having someone there to fill the empty void. Someone to hold you through the long, lonely night. Someone to care.

Kathy closes her eyes and rests her forehead against Olivia's before whispering, "I don't know."

Olivia simply nods her head, because of course Kathy doesn't know. In all honesty she doesn't know either.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Olivia asks after Kathy opens her eyes.

A deep, full kiss is her answer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

Kathy awoke to the dark room with a feeling that her bed shouldn't have been empty. She blinked her eyes rapidly, trying to wake up and understand why she felt this way. Her bed had been empty for almost a year, why wouldn't it be now?

When she heard the rocking chair in the corner, she remembered. She looked to find Olivia rocking Eli. She was speaking so softly to him Kathy could barely even hear the whisper much less the words. And Eli was looking up at her, content to simply lay in her arms and rock while she spoke.

Kathy smiled to herself. Olivia and Eli had had a special bond from the very beginning. It even seemed to be stronger than the bond Olivia and Elliot had. Whereas Elliot or Kathy could walk or rock or sing for untold amounts of time to quiet Eli, Olivia simply had to pick him up for him to stop crying.

After watching Olivia and Eli for a little longer, Kathy averted her eyes to the ceiling. How had they come to this? Not even five years ago she had been unbelievably jealous of the detective, of her beauty and strength and the hold she seemed to have over her husband. Only four years ago, she had gone to Olivia practically begging her to speak to Elliot about having him sign the divorce papers. Three years ago, her life and that of her child's had literally been in the palm of Olivia's hand, and of course Olivia had kept them safe. Two years ago, it had seemed that Olivia fought for her and Elliot's marriage more than either of them did. And almost a year ago, Olivia had become a main fixture in her life: standing by her side throughout the funeral, taking care of her, her children, bills, groceries, whatever needed doing Olivia had done.

And even after Kathy had pulled herself together, Olivia had kept coming back, giving her and her children all the love and attention she could. And now after having been acquaintances for twelve years and actual friends for less than one, they had slept together.

Kathy held back a laugh that she was sure would have sounded somewhat hysterical. After all the times she had accused Elliot of it, she was the one to sleep with Olivia Benson. And hadn't that spark of attraction been the greatest of surprises? She had never been attracted to a woman before. Of course she had found them beautiful, but she had never felt the heat of attraction pooling low in her stomach before last Thursday.

It was like any other Thursday night in the Stabler household. Olivia had demanded long ago that they have a family night. Maureen and Kathleen were able to come home from college since they had no Friday morning classes and Richard and Elizabeth didn't have any school activities on Thursday so it had been the logical day without having to interfere with any of the kids weekend plans. After it had been established, Olivia had tried to beg off saying it should be a family affair, but the children had insisted she be there, and even Kathy found herself wanting Olivia there as well. Everything seemed just a little bit easier with Olivia around; it didn't seem like their entire world was still crashing around them with her there.

Maureen had been in the kitchen finishing dinner, Kathleen was setting the table, Elizabeth was lying in the floor doing homework, and Richard was sitting in a chair in the corner of the living room doing a reading assignment. Kathy had heard Olivia enter the house and had walked out to greet her. As she stood in the doorway to the living room, she noticed Olivia crouched down talking to Elizabeth about her homework. Richard put his book down and began to walk up behind Olivia with the over exaggerated steps of someone trying to be extremely quiet. This had become a game between the two; Richard would try his hardest to sneak up behind and scare Olivia. Just as Richard reached her and was about to bend down and grab her, Olivia blindly reached out behind her and grabbed his leg.

It was he who let out a yelp of surprise and caused all three females to laugh. "How do you always do that?" he had grumbled.

Olivia had turned towards him with a bright smile on her face. As she turned, she noticed Kathy and gave her a brief wink. Kathy took a sharp intake of breath. Of course she had seen Olivia smile before, but she had never noticed the way it transformed her entire face. How it seemed to project her happiness to the entire room and lit up her whole face, seemed to lighten her entire demeanor. Kathy had felt a quick tug in her gut and heat between her thighs, but had ignored it.

Kathy had felt her attraction towards Olivia growing throughout the week. As she watched Olivia playing with her children or helping with homework or personal issues. As she catered to Eli and spoiled him to no end. But each time she had pushed it aside. Until last night.

Olivia had been late last night, the first time in the many months they had been having family night. Kathy had tried not to be annoyed as she had been with Elliot, but she couldn't help herself. After dinner, with she and Olivia quietly talking in the kitchen and doing dishes, she had asked Olivia why she was late. Of course Olivia had said a case.

"It's always a case with you people isn't it?" Kathy had asked bitterly.

"Yes, it is," Olivia had answered calmly, knowing that most of Elliot's and Kathy's problems had been about his work ethic.

"Can't you put our family first for once in your life?" Kathy had asked. She then released a strangled sob, realizing that this was the same argument she had with Elliot repeatedly, and wondering why she was doing the same thing with Olivia. It wasn't as if she and Olivia were anything. Olivia was just trying to help her cope with the loss of Elliot and help with the five children she now had to raise on her own. Kathy had no right to accuse Olivia of anything.

"Kathy," Olivia said softly, lightly placing her hands on Kathy's arms and turning her away from the sink to face her. "I know your and Elliot's major issue was his working late and the fact that he wouldn't talk to you about it. I can't promise you that I won't be late again or won't even make it some nights, but I am willing to talk to you if you want. I can't promise to be completely honest; I'm going to try and shield you from as much as possible which is what Elliot thought he was doing by not talking to you, but I will talk to you."

They had been looking in each other's eyes the entire time Olivia was talking. When she finished, Kathy couldn't fight back the urge to kiss her. How was it that Olivia understood what she needed when after almost twenty-five years Elliot hadn't?

Olivia had softened the kiss Kathy was trying to make somewhat frantic. She had placed one hand gently on the small of Kathy's back and had brought the other up to cup Kathy's face. When they had slowly parted, Olivia had softly used her thumb to brush away her tears.

Kathy closed her eyes and sighed softly to herself. She still didn't know if Olivia had simply been a substitute for her. What she did know was Olivia was a necessity, something she needed and wanted in her life. She slowly drifted off to sleep to the sound of the rocking chair creaking and Olivia softly whispering wondering what this would mean for them come morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

Olivia listened to the silence of the house around her. She wasn't surprised to find that she was the first one awake in the Stabler household; she usually was on the nights she stayed. She rolled to her back and held her breath as Eli rolled with her, repositioning himself to curve into her side but staying asleep. She felt slightly guilty for having woke him up the night before, but she hadn't been able to shake off the need for some sort of connection when Kathy had fallen into an exhausted sleep.

She stared blankly at the ceiling thinking back to the first time she had slept in this bed.

_Olivia spent the first month after Elliot's death sleeping on the couch. Elizabeth spent most nights sleeping with Kathy so her bed was empty, but Olivia didn't want to take up any more space than she had to. She had just hoped the Stabler's needed her as much as she needed them._

_After a month's time, Olivia decided it was time for her to go home. They all needed to start working their way back to some form of normalcy. Kathy had asked her to stay, said that Olivia was in no way a burden, but Olivia had insisted._

_When Olivia got home that night, she found her apartment to be too quiet. She couldn't hear Richard's TV playing quietly from his room or the music from Eli's room. Her bed was too big and the dip between the cushions of the couch that had conformed to her back perfectly wasn't present._

_It had taken her forever to actually fall asleep, but when her phone rang at two a.m. that morning, she came awake instantly. She could hear crying in the background as soon as she answered._

"_Olivia! Olivia please!" Kathy had sounded near tears. "He won't stop crying! I know you said - - but he won't - - and Elizabeth had - - and - - Olivia please!"_

_When Olivia had walked into the Stabler's living room, Eli had launched himself into her arms and his sobs immediately lessened and Kathy had practically folded herself into Olivia's arms. Olivia had only witnessed Kathy crying in such earnestness once before, the night of Elliot's funeral. Kathy had cried numerous times during the month Elliot had been gone, but she had never seen her raked with sobs, her entire body shaking with them, barely able to catch her breath since that night._

_Eli went to sleep on one shoulder as Kathy continued to cry on the other. When the tears finally quieted, Olivia led them into Eli's bedroom. She laid him down, but every time her body lost contact with his, he began to whimper. She sighed and picked him back up, taking them into Kathy's bedroom. There she found Elizabeth asleep in the bed, paths of dried tears on her cheek. "Nightmare," Kathy murmured. _

_Olivia simply nodded and led her to the other side. She sat Kathy down and pulled the covers back so Kathy could crawl in. As she began to pull them back up, Kathy grabbed her wrist. "Stay," she whispered and scooted over, making her intentions known. Olivia froze a moment before nodding and lying down. Eli began whimpering quietly again and they weren't silenced until Olivia lay him on her chest so he could hear her heartbeat. _

_She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. It shouldn't have been like this. Her partner should have been there to comfort his family. If only she had known he was planning to go on stakeout that night… If only she had gotten there ten minutes sooner… If only she had been with him that night… Olivia felt tears pool in her eyes, but they didn't fall until she heard Kathy sniffle and move in closer to her body._

_Olivia was woken at some point in the night when she felt the mattress shift. She looked down to see Richard curling up with his pillow at the foot of the bed. He gave her a sad look before yawning and closing his eyes._

That had been the first night she had slept in this bed, but it was by no means the last. After that, it seemed there was at least one night once a month that everything seemed to go wrong and Kathy would feel like she couldn't handle it herself. On those nights, it seemed like the entire Stabler family and herself shared that bed. And on Thursday nights, Kathy always insisted she stay. Olivia tried to sleep on the couch as much as possible, but more often than not she found herself in bed with Kathy and Eli.

She gently rolled Eli closer to his mother as she rose from the bed. She completely froze a moment as he maneuvered himself until he was comfortable and stayed asleep. She grabbed her jeans from the foot of the bed where she had kicked them off before laying down with Eli and made her way out of the room. She peeked in both Elizabeth and Richard's room to see them still sleeping as she made her way to the stairs to go to the kitchen. Once there, she turned on the coffee maker and moved to look out the window.

She closed her eyes and rubbed her face roughly with her palms. What in the hell were they doing? She understood that Kathy still needed comforting every now and then. She could even understand that Kathy's body was beginning to feel need again. But was that all it was? A warm body to lean on? To love? Was that all Kathy wanted from her? Or was it more?

What did she want for that matter? Could she handle simply being a warm body for Kathy to love when she needed it? Could she handle it being more? Would she be able to be to Kathy what she had never been to another person besides Alex? More than just a friend or lover, but a partner?

She looked up as she heard the floorboards up above creak. They'd find out soon enough.


End file.
